"tenuous at best
was all he had to say, when pressed about
the rest of it
(the world that is)"
TENUOUSNESS. ANDREW BIRD




finals today were an endless cycle of telling myself "your entire life rests on this grade" and "screw this!". neither extreme is a productive attitude, and resulted in my mind basically going blank, with the continual the resounding hiss of stresssssssssssssssssssssss in the back of my head, somewhere behind my eyes..

if i could advise you one thing, itd be to take a nap! today i wrapped myself up in twenty thousand billowing blue blankets and fell into one of the most gratifying rests i've ever had. words cannot express the new affection i have found for my bed. i awoke in a panicked state of delirium when my mom went running through the house, slamming doors and shouting "emily?! emily?!" believing me to be missing. her worry was touching, and i hadnt heard such a raw note of fear in her voice for a while. usually my mom has trouble admitting when she is scared of me (me growing up, or my opinion of her, etc) because that means vulnerability, but today she embraced it, as she ripped off my covers and flung her arms around me. "ive found you!"

its nice to be needed, but it was actually scary for me to be the need-ee, rather than the needer. i am now bigger than my mom. our new fit is unfamiliar to me still.

im currently contemplating whether or not i do better when i have a clear mind and give educated guesses to questions (also known as, getting a good nights sleep tonight) versus having studied really thoroughly, but having a pounding headache throughout the exam that dulls my clarity and results in long periods of time where i sit there, static, staring blindly at the questions. (which would describe last night and today quite explicitly)

ill probably end up staying up late again, because im too chicken to leave anything to chance, and id feel less guilty if i put in an honest effort and failed, than if i slept well and failed. both are the same result, but its hard for me to do something without trying.