the book i have to read for my math class surprised me in the best of ways and said

"Learn this lesson, that to be self-contented is to be vile and ignorant, and that to aspire is better than to be blindly and impotently happy. Now listen"

i was thinking today about all the times i learn;
about people, about the world, about myself, about how i slash others think about things, etc etc and i thought about the ways of how i learn them. listening to people, lectures, or stories. reading, or writing myself into a conclusion. observing, thinking, creating. and i thought about how all those ways listed are done in silence. and i usually have fun at parties but when everyone was shouting no one was listening to eachother and it was so loud, yet nothing was said, and nothing was learnt. and the things i remember most from that night are not any of the things shouted -meganfox-unspeakablethings-haaaaaha-youwont- . what i remember are the looks i saw when i everyone was watching the movie and i turned around and everyone's faces was duly aglow; half with purple-tinted flickering light from the shifting tv screen, half with the various shifts of consciousnesses and sparks of realizations, laughter, or confusion. i learnt from those. i learnt from the things that werent said, and from touches and hugs and crazed dancing. and i learned a lot, i cant quite say what it was because it was never said and im not adequate with words


if memory serves

im addicted to words

and theyre useless

to you who made me my Wintery Mix From One Emily to another Emily seedee i would just like to say that i thought it might make a me cry a bit, and want to curl warmly into sweaters and books and thoughts like sadish music usually does. but some strange chemical reaction occured between my HSO5 and CH4 and ClO- and 5H2Cl+ and everything else ive learned the past week thats inside me. and its made me okay with everything id previously held faulted in my life. truly, its okay. more than okay. not everything is spectacular and gleaming as that first moment you set eyes upon it. but after the flight and crash and burn or any extended period of static... the world is fine. you are fine. i am fine, this is balance. not indifferent balance, or limited scared balance anymore either. thank god.

and i want to thank you for being who you are because you are an enabler. and those types of people make differences in the world.

in fact that goes for both girlz who made me cds in the past week, the other being the most open thing i know i want to talk to you for hours, i want you to know that the things you do are great just becuase of the nature you do them in, the people you are with are great merely by your presence, you dont realize how greatgreatgreat you are. and how greatness is contagious.

i wish you guys werent yourselves sometimes... i mean so you could look at yourselves as someone else. and have yourself enabled by yourself. to feel the belief you instill in people, and be moved by it. and also- to you who does the announcements that never fail to remind me to laugh in my day. i wish you could step outside that tall body, and sit in a first period classroom chair instead for a day. and see how your day would be brightened.

And one day, I am gonna grow wings

I wonder when is that critical moment; that steady, inevitable drift as i always imagined-- or maybe its the at first imperceptible, and then all-consuming fall-- from what ive always been into what i hope to be. i wonder when the "when im older" happens, or how. im older now. im older than i was when i started writing this entry.

A chemical reaction

today i wanted to scream during F block because I was very very happy and wondered why i wouldnt just shout out if i wanted to so bad. i wanted to so much it tickled the top of my throat but i thought that. 1. it would cause mayhem in my classroom, or maybe a frigid pool of glaring silence. (either one would be excruitatingly awkward and funny) 2. it would probably cause a more dramatic effect than beneficial outcome 3. people just dont do that. and i was a little upset at myself to have to weigh all my options before doing them. are all my actions measured? is nothing i do that completely spontaneous and raw impulse we all have.. do we make those settle? are our actions the addition of our impulse - percieved societal expectations - percieved social image - self-assurance limitations = diluted action? i beat my urges down and leash them up. its a good thing i guess that i dont completely destroy them. but because they are kept so near, i can hear them whining and barking.

Hysterical and useless

and i was thinking about all the petty things i said at lunch to people whom i dont know very well, and i wondered why people even bother with that small talk. if the only thing these people know me by are these "omg. ya. wow. huh. really?" conversations we have during sporadic lunches, they must find me so utterly boring. maybe i shouldve shouted out loud then, which wouldve been much more interesting than my feigned interest. "your mom made you a salad? yum. no i dont have that teacher. school sucks" and honestly i dont think school sucks in the slightest

i wish i could create music because when my fingers used to be able to fly over the piano keys like the long, spindly spiders theyd matured into, i would sit at that piano bench for hours. my piano sounds like crushing bone, people chewing with their mouths open, or some other horrific noise. it hasnt been tuned since even before we bought it, over 9 years ago. but to me, it sounded perfect because i could only hear what i heard in my head, supplemented a bit by the awareness of pounding keys and sounds, but those hardly mattered. every thought i had shot from my fingertips throught this vast organ, like a heart pumping out beats expelled out and its was what i had inside of me.. except out of me. i could listen to it. so could others! and then my piano lessons were over because we couldnt afford them, and i taught myself one refrain of one song and i can still play it for an hour at a time, past annoying others and my dogs beginning to howl, past even when up to my shoulder becomes sore, because its all i have left of that

i miss creating

sometimes i feel like turning to the person next to me and just validating the fact that this does exist, the types of people ive admired my whole life, to be living breathing and thrashing in front of me. and if their as amazed to be a part of that too.

shoutoutz to mah franz :) ;) LOL LOL <3

whose DPs can make the chandelier shake, can YES! harder than anyone I know, peel clementines in one whole peel, talk to me in my driveway until very very late, flash track teams, throw down fresh beats and carol of the bells harmonizings and still be the most thoughtful intelligent and interesting people there is. I love you babes, but you just cant make me smile

These phantom pains in my right ankle yawn and stretch and awaken with this stricken grin, an anticipatory snicker. Wrapping their coiled, scaly fingers around my stretched and feeble tendons, leafing through those supple and flexible ligaments that now give way at their touch. A new soccer season, but the beginning. And I can already feel my looming surrender. Those pains like ghosts that shoot, and cut, and pull. Its like their unraveling the strings that tie my foot to my leg. If they hurt you ever after this, its time for surgery.
Stop it.

"An oxymoron. You know two things that contradict themselves. Like jumbo-shrimp. Or military intelligence"

I dont even know. Today was, scintillating. And buoyant. And relative. Cool stupid insane weird are all so relative. Like, so entirely multi-faceted and relative they dont even exist. And we had personal conversations with teachers and acted fine, I was fine today. The world is fine.

People keep me hopeful because always there is this light in them. Like lighted things like flashlights, or streetlights. Or the flash on a camera. They pan light all around them, not just what theyre pointed at. You are like that. The people who I meet who are scared and strangely distant in conversation, the ones who could never multitask by talking and being vulnerable at the same time.. The perversion, the fakeness, either way. Its slightly hollowed out. The ones who put down others and elevate themselves, theyre pointing their own light at themselves, and its like holding the flashlight up to your own eyes. Blinding. Its the challenge of staring into it, but what are you challenging, what are you defying except yourself?

But You are very light.

And things that you care about dont always make you have joy, because caring is so much more than that flimsy, unsure happiness that always makes me shaky. And giggly. And caring is always fufilling, I think. So far.

Because we separate like
Ripples on a blank shore



December is the time when the earth doesn’t want us. December is the time of cold. Of that musky, wintry smell that isn’t a powder pouffe of snow dabbed onto the grinning cheeks of our Mother, it’s the rigid scabbing of her cracked and splitting skin. Dry. Drly humorous, the frost that smells like derisive laughter, and the pristine sky that’s less transparent than it looks. And the frost that creeps up our steps, and the frost that bites hard into trees and leaves, and they surrender in a hurry.. how those previously green leaves that blank spiral down, that heave of exhaustion, that curling at the corners and drift into sleep. They lay down with the ghost kisses, those flakes like dandruff that ripple from the heavens. Snow flakes, their biting freeze on your blushing cheek. Burrowed into your face, a shot, then numb. This is the tranquil, this is the tranquilized. The comatose stillness, the indifferent placidity.It’s the staying up late at night, lighting my candles and not focusing because my mind is full with frozen, crystal thoughts until I’m holding my pen over the candle flame and its melting and I’m wondering why I’m not fluid like that, why I don’t melt at your touch, until I realize I’m lighting my pen on fire. And my white paper sheets, unfilled with critiques and assignments, stare blankly back. They always win those staring contests. December is that month. That month when we go back to our childhood, our pre-childhood, when its safest in the abundance of blankets in our beds that mimick Mother’s womb, when safety is what we look for. Because December is that month, that time when the earth’s demise is spelled clearly in the fleeing deer tracks, the fish frozen right beneath the surface—of lakes, gaping and bug eyed as they watch this spectacle- the earth. The stretch and the shiver and the shudder. Collapsing into itself. Its not the puffy yawny-eyed sunrise of rose, it’s the glaring reflection of blinding white light off the snickering black ice in the road. It’s the scabbed earth. It’s the fleeing deer. And the fleeing raccoons. And the dead squirrel you ran over, and the frozen, gaping fish. Its the life thats fleeing from the reflection of its unrecognizable self. How we became this. And the retreat. The retreat back into safety. The cavernous womb. The shields of underarmor we layer our brittle and dry skin with, so we don’t crack. The cracks in the road. The unfinished homework, the underlying current that pulls us all back in. Like how even in winter the ocean waves pull steadily at the shore, they never freeze. This is December. This is the unraveling. This is when the earth doesn’t want us.



Reckoner
Take me with you
Dedicated to all you
All human beings

shut UP emily, gahd. youre so annoying. shut up. put that hoe on a leash. Youre so stupid. do you know that. youre dumb shit. no shit. alright bye. i want to punch you in the face. youre so ugly. youre fat. you need to lose some weight. i hate you. youre annoying. pussy. control your bitch. fuck you shut up fat ugly youre a whore. why are you wearing that. wear your hair curly. wear it curly. curly. curly or im not gonna talk to you. maybe you shouldve been doing your ankle exercises all along. selflish. selfish. selfish. selfish bitch. give me all the answers to that. lie to your parents. so dumb so fucking dumb. ew. JUUUST KIDDING. but gross. seriously. yuck. why are you even talking to me. slut. hoe. youre not funny emily. shut the fuck up i dont want to hear it from you! get some. youre so weird. blow some. I bet emily wants my dick. she wants me. we fucked. yah you want it emily dont you?

HAHAHAHAHA YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ! ;)

Today when I drove by that house astrung with flickering christmas lights like pinpricks in the black-drop of falling night, i wondered if you knew that ive always wished i lived in your house. And I wanted to stand outside the window throw rocks at it and tell you. Youre living in my dream house.

You are living someones dream.

And then I had this weird epiphony, that no one makes it out of their lives alive.

And today was a spectacular day. Even though my grades are sliding down the drain, into that disguisting place mom always asks me to clean but i refuse when doing my chores. I think im going to have to restrain this pride. Or, according to the demon i mean guidance counselor who came into my chem class today, apparently ill never ever go to college.

Brother, see, we are one and the same

And you left with your head filled with flames

And you watched as your brains

Fell out through your teeth, push the pieces in place

One thing you dont realize is how much my mind is a mad scientist, and by this i mean that I take everything you say and slice it open with pristine, cleansed scalpels and pick it apart with tongs and boil it over those rusty bunsen burners that belch clawing smoke, and I choke on this smoke that I breathe and forget about it-- once I come back its all burnt to ashes and thats all i have left to observe for meaning

Make your smile sweet to see, don't you take this away

I'm still wanting my face on your cheek

Tell them your list of bad words Zara! Let them know so they'll never say them again

stupid, bozo, gosh darn, hate.