I just watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and its the first movie that I legitimately sobbed at in years. I've shed a few tears before, and I've felt the distinct sadness a movie portrays before-- like in history, watching movies about the Holocaust. But I didnt get moved like this, maybe because I couldnt put myself in that situation. And it wasnt just the movie that sparked my emotions, it was a whole bundle of things that I really really really want. And a lot of them have to do with spontaneity, vulnerability, laughter and that movie.

As of now,

I am internally wrecked. This little ball inside my chest is expanding and shrinking, and constricting and wrenching and it feels like a pit. How can emptiness be heavy? Its like how people always say that silence is loud. There is this potent internal, and pure silence in the center of me, but its twenty thousand tons of pressure. I may implode, and a foutain of feeling is going to just shoot out of my ears. Maybe thats because its white noise and not silence. Maybe I'm too satiated and full, rather than empty. Maybe I'm just dramatic. Either way

like I said before

sometimes I worry that I feel things too much

and I want validation that other people

get lost

and we are all Clementines and Joels, and we are all humans and imperfect and we are all the same and we can expose others but some of us cant expose ourselves, why?

Being indoors is far too enclosed for everything I am feeling at the moment. I want to expand into the sky, and then feel infintesimal again. A roof would be nice. Or some rain

For such an immense thing, life is fragile. I wonder how we put so much emphasis and importance on such a flimsy thing.