"If life's not beautiful without the pain

Well I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again

As life gets longer, awful feels softer

And it feels pretty soft to me"

THE VIEW. MODEST MOUSE

Among other things, today I went to the marketplace with my mom and got a creamsicle smoothie. While sitting on the benches outside, Mom missed her mouth when she was drinking it, and I told her it looked rather unappetizing when she did things like that. She made a face at me, and I made one back. She slurped disguistingly on the smoothie, and I drooled it out of the corner of my mouth. This contest went on for a while, until Mom became embarassed of my antics. Often when I am out with just my mom and no other friends, I become rigid and uncomfortable. Today I decided appearance, weirdness, none of it matters. None of it matters at all

I think I've found what scares me most in life. A lot of it has to do with those lyrics above. A lot of it also has to do with this feeling of time being, in actuality, a stream, and until now I thought it was fun and easy and free to float along the surface, the roiling, rushing surface but its horrifying and exhilerating finding that if I want to slow down I'm grasping at water, and in its liquid-deception it slips through my fingers and runs over and through my flailing hands that grasp at nothing. I've thought a lot about time and I realized that I'm scared of growing up in a different way than any pre-pubescent version of myself might have whiningly claimed years earlier. What I now mean, is subconsciously falling into a routine, neither painful nor positive. Safe. One that evokes no passion, no infuriation, no awe. Where awful feels so soft it can be mistaken for goodness, and not solely because its not so awful, but because good has become not so good anymore. I do not want to tranform into my habits while I'm not paying attention. Maybe that is why I've been so closely alert and analyzing my present life. I hate those lyrics because I would rather feel pain than nothing. I have this fear of indifference.

I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love. I felt in myself a superabundance of energy

-LEO TOLSTOY-