But restless is causeless and I cannot hide

So much of my mind that it spills outside

and I want to walk around with you

just you just you just you just you

P3OPLE @RE $O B3AUT!FUL!

seriously.

i was taken aback today by this full on rip-tide roar of emotion from Mr. Guerrin today and I appreciated it so much. He was in the middle of checking notes and casually drifted over to his laptop.. before anyone knew what was happening a yell tore from the gutter of his throat and flew around the room, slapping everyone in the face. He jumped high enough to clear his desk. And after this sudden excitement, and expaining why (his pellect stove= approved. YAAAAAA) he just kind of bobbed up and down a little, ran his hands over his hair over and over and over and laughed a bit. And we looked at eachother and luaghed, and looked at him and laughed, and my cheeks eventually turned to stone from smiling so long. And that emotion was still there though-- a brief spurt of it gushed out from every pore of his body, seemingly, when he was transformed with the suddenness, the spontaniety, of joy, that kind of non-diluted RAW joy that I love love love. Why must we always compose ourselves? Erin and I danced and waltzed in the first snow of the year today, exclaiming and screaming for no reason, kissed by multi-million flecks of glass shards, ice licks, stars that can melt. That is raw and real. Mr. Guerrin's first reaction was real. I really really wish that I could express my state of AWE at everything whenever I felt it, because people MUST know they, have to .. but maybe we dont know how to share it yet. This brings me to a point i am going to explain.. i want to transcend myself. I want to give you RAW FEELING and I want to feel yours, coursing through not just my BEING but my HUMAN.

in the secret gallery i witnessed something in someone that i didnt recognize. it was a wall, and it scared me. like everything ive assumed about people up until now is that they all feel these fundamental emotions that we all have-- especially the ones that isolate me. Does that seem backwards? Sometimes I feel alone, but so does everyone-- thats why I feel like my theory of giving away warmth = more warmth for yourself works I think! Because when all we do is look inside ourselves, we see the things that makes us feel disconected or lonely. But when you're looking around, its this wonderful opportunity to study others, and this is how I learnt most about myself. There are so many common things- love, and vulnerability, and things we are scared of and things we do out of selfishness and things that are genuine. By recognizing these in others, I found them in myself. I feel like always looking at oneself, maybe even self-reflection, can get far too one-dimensional, and this went along with an epiphony I had. It gave me huge headache, honestly, I had this sodden lump of emotion behind my eyes and clogging my ears and the world turned grey for a second. I will never look out of anyone's eyes, I will never think their thoughts. This huge, complicated, oh-pity-me life I live-- so INFINTESIMAL! I just want to see, not from my own perspective. I want a mind open enough to engulf others and to be englufed, I wonder how slash if it is possible to get close enough to someone else, to transcend your body (this futile, physical limit to the mind... what is a body in reality? these fleshy, glossy balls of color with an impenetrable black iris in the center- eyes? we put so much resting of eye-contact, but what makes them relatable? And smiles- this grin and baring of the closest you can get to seeing ones skull. Its someone's mind I want to get at, all these get in the way!)

... okay sorry for that brief sidetrack. to transcend the body and be more than oneself, to be others, to be everyone, to be not just a human BEING but a HUMAN, the very essence of human, the LIFE in us, not just the reincarnation of it.

eye donut think i make much cents.

Oh, and we won the biggest game of our soccer season today. Bi!i!iG DEAL

i really just want to paint a lot and learn to play the guitar sitting in my room

oh yeah and read because that opens my mind-walls and erases these assumptions (i hate my assumptions about life. because there is no way to be aware of having them until someone questions them. aka my love of books)

oh yes, and little things, make me s osososos happy. and maybe this is sosssssssosososo selfish, but to know that i occupy space in someones mind for at least an instant- thats something that continually amazes me. Do you know? Your beautiful, precious thoughts, most intimate place of you, I really want to be there once. I want to occupy space in the world, and deliberately.

Don't cool off, I like your warmth